So i'm in korea, a country that is thousands and thousands of miles away from home, all by myself in a korean PC bang.
hello world :)
it has been a while.
I thought running away from home world be a freeing experience for me. I've been longing for this summer for as long as i can remember... but why does it feel like i'm still stuck in the same rut? I still feel imprisoned by the chains and burdens that i thought i left last tuesday as i climbed aboard that airplane.
i've learned quite a lot about myself in these last few days.
for instance, i think i've finally come to terms that I am totally over it. How do i know this? because i just don't care anymore. for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, don't mind my rambling. but yes, i feel totally and completely over it. as i look back over the two years i've wasted on this internal struggle of mine, i feel so completely stupid. i wish i could promise myself that won't be stupid enough to trip over the same chord of ignorance in the future.. but i won't make any promises. we make mistakes in life; i just have to get over this one, try to learn from it, and move on.
another thing: i really realize how big of an influence that people have over me. dude. i'm a freakin people pleaser. what the hell. when did this happen? i am so mad at myself for letting it get this far! everything i do, everyhting i say is for other people to notice or for other people to like me. i realized this as i came to my family in korea and started to act like a whole different person. it's kind of funny how i can shift and shape my personailty to fit the molds of what i think other people want to see in me.
though it's stinging to see all of these weird truths about my personalities while i'm here in korea, i really don't want to leave. i do, but i don't.
i want to see my parents again. i want to be in the comfort of my home and my bed and my bathroom...
but i really don't want to be around the negativity back at home.
if any of my friends are reading this, i just really want to get this out there:
i'm really fed up with everything. i was really hoping that everyone got past their selfish drama stages back in middle school, but i guess i was wrong. i'm so utterly tired of you people that i felt compelled to run away all the way to korea. you guys have really made me lose hope in friendships and in people in general....
ugh.
but i love every single on of you. sigh...
i just wish we were all perfect. i wish we were just made perfect without selfishness or stupidity or sin.
so as i find more puzzle pieces of myself through experiences and through God's word while i am here, i'll pray that God will mend the wounds back at home.
America, i'll see you in twenty five days.
