ugh. i hate being angry.
i hate the feeling of being mad at someone or something. especially when that anger is directed to a person. it makes me frustrated. it consumes my thoughts. it makes me look for more reasons to not love that person.
it's unhealthy, and i know it.
i think it's even worse because i know that i can be a complete and total beeotch.
you see, there is a this secret portion of my personality that i've tried to store away in the depths of my heart a long time ago. it holds something dark, something monstrous-- my passionate ability to hate. sometimes i'm tempted to expose it from its hiding place and far too often i fail and let glimpses of it escape.
and that's what scares me.
when i'm angry, i say the most vile things and think the meanest thoughts. the words come out incessantly and it feels impossible to stop them. i don't know if its like this for everyone, but for myself, when i'm angry towards someone, it's so easy for me to hurt them with my words. it comes out too naturally.
but then i have to remind myself:
Matthew 22:36-40
“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
James 1:26
If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.
again, I am reminded that if I profess to be a Chrisitian, it is God's second greatest commandment for me to love others. when i feel like there's no room for forgiveness or understanding in my heart, He reminds me of Christ's mercy and i am humbled. after all, anger is a matter of pride isn't it? it's when you think you're right and that other person is wrong. it's when you feel justified to not like someone.
well, from what I've heard, God hates pride and God hates sin, and when it comes down to it, as his [flawed, stupid, stubborn, clumsy] daughter, i want to please him. so today, i'm going to suck it up, shut up, and get over it.
(by no means does this mean that i dont get angry or that i love every single person or that im perfect or blah blha blah. because i definitely suck at doing that. in fact, this post serves as a reminder and lesson for myself...)
