in a blah

i just feel like whatever i do is not good enough anymore.
it's like.. my confidence has been so crushed to the point where it feels impossible to stand up again.

i'm not good at anything
i don't know what i want in life
and i'm starting to lose hope...




___________________________________________

people, people, people.
everywhere i go, there are people.

some people are just mere acquaintances that are easily forgotten,
but sometimes, once in a while,
people walk into my life and leave lingering, lasting impressions.





sometimes, i wish our brains and hearts were like computers.
i wish i could just delete whatever i wanted from my memory and keep what i want.
i despise the fact that i am forever burdened with memories that i know i can never recreate.
i hate knowing that no matter what i do, i can't turn back time to those moments
where life,
just made sense.

slow down.

please life, slow down.


i hate this. every day passes me by and i can't get a grip on what's going on.



i just want to sit, breathe, think.

i feel good!

almost got bagled playing my first singles match..
lots of homework to do..
getting chubby...


but i feel strangely i feel good. :)
Life is good
because my God is good.

leave it and let behind.

i'm not going to sit here and wonder what would have happened, could have happened anymore.

actually, i know i've stopped doing that a while ago..


but sometimes, i just can't help but wonder
do you see me?
have you ever seen me?


__________________________________________







must. lose. weight.

sing out loud.

i wish i could get better at singing.

ouch

i've never felt so broken before.




i hate these moments when you just want to die...but can't help but live.

i'd like to...

if you haven't noticed, i am a very ambitious girl.
there are so many things i want to do in life. so are many things i would like to experience (some practical, some not).

for instance:

---i'd like to laugh till i cry; it's just never happened before!

---run until i can't feel the pain anymore; what do they call it? oh yes, runner's wall or something of that sort? yea right. i die and start wheezing after maybe a mile and a half...

---love till it hurts; stupid and scary wish, yes? but i'd like to find someone whom i really love and have them love me back. i want to love them so much till the point where it would hurt to live without them... preferably my future husband :D

---lead someone to Christ; it's not so scary to talk about God with people to anymore, but i have never gotten to the point where someone wanted to accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior. hm. what would that be like? hahahaha

---not shower until i really, really stink; i have never done this before. i hate not showering, so i make myself shower every day.. sometimes twice, or three times a day. the longest ive gone was three days at mission tour and i gave myself a head shower in the sink every morning.

---work out until i pass out; i'd like to push my limits to see how beastly i really am. ;)

---sleep a whole day; i'm no angela. i can't push myself to sleep past 11 am, even during breaks.

---go sky diving or bungee; i have always wanted to know what that felt like, for pretty obvious reasons. what's better than soaring through the sky at a crazy speed?!! :D

---make people cry with a speech; i hate public speaking. i get so nervous that i lose track of what i want to talk about. I need to get better at this, especially if i want to be a lawyer one day.

---grow out my hair till my butt. i always fail at a little past my boobs =/ it just gets so annoying! I really want to cut my hair and donate it to locks of love..

---praise until i can't praise anymore; like that can happen. :P

and the list goes on, and on....




in the end,
i'd like to be satisfied at the end of my life, knowing that i've lived it to the fullest.

sleep is for the weak.

it's 12:09 and i still have to study for the bio exam. dangit TT_TT why do i have two huge tests on one day?

sigh.

on a side note,

i've decided to ask God for a future husband with a jawline.

:)

quitter.

i hate being a quitter.
reflecting back on my past, i truly regret quitting all the things things that could have been potentially useful for my future....

piano
violin
cheer
golf
SATs -_-
swimming
gymnastics
biking
people

i just wish that there was one thing that i really loved and that i was good at! i need an outlet to channel my overwhelming energy into!

gr. i quit being a quitter.

_________

plans for today:

1. school
2. diversity club, green team
3. tennis
4. gonna go home, change/ shower
5. PLU library to study---- free of distractions and free of accesable wireless internet, open till 1 am in the morning! :)

hit the cell if you need me.. or care to join me :D

happy sunday

dear God, thank you for this beautiful sunday.
help me to use it to its fullest, and to glorify you in all ways.


_______________________________

to do list for today:

1. church (9am delayed student leader meeting woot) (11 am joint service with ELM)
2. homework
3. homework
4. homework

stupid procratination... -_-

oh crap.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/02/opinion/02thu4.html?em
wow! how scary!
as a student with no job, this recession that everyone has been freaking out about hasn't really hit me yet. I mean, yea, i'm more cautious of wasting money on useless items and i shop less to help my parents out. but holy crap! this is scary!

law firms are cutting down lawyers and their salaries.. which means that they're probably going to become even more selective when they hire people. what's going to happen when i finally graduate law school? will i even be able to get a job? +_+

sigh. God, i could use some reassurance here.
is this what i'm supposed to do? is this really what i am called and made for?

stop. look. listen.

so as I have been reading back on prior posts and just kinda surfin on my old xanga, myspace, facebook, old blogger, and this blogger...
i realize how immature i am.

I wonder how God feels as he looks down on me,
worring about petty issues.
i almost feel as if I haven't been taking advantage of what God has given me. at all.

CS Lewis song- brooke fraser

If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For me, for me, for me